Sober Enough: Just Show Up for Life, That’s Your Job
A kind and wise teacher in my life could see I was anxiously managing my perfectionism. I was embarrassed that, as is the human experience, I am still learning life. I didn’t know the answers, I couldn’t anticipate every challenge and react with some imaginary skills of some imaginary master whose reflexes and reactions meets their own needs, the needs of others and life’s curveballs. I was going through life’s challenges, but I thought I should know all this already, didn’t I learn this already? Somehow, I have these imagined expectations of others that I am depended on to get it all done, get it all right and know the answer to everything asked of me. When I am in this state, this is not emotional sobriety; call it emotional inebriety, it is what erodes the quality of my recovery.
The myth of everyone else’s expectations of me, the myth that I will be unlovable if I make mistakes, this is the toxicity of a false core belief that when I am discovered by others to be flawed, I will be deemed unlovable and I will be abandoned. This wacko, persistent core belief is what gives life to my perfectionism. Perfectionism for me, needs to be reined in to find equanimity, what many in recovery call emotional sobriety. My method for right sizing my expectations for myself as well as the imaged expectations that others hold for me, I call “Sober Enough.” This is my goal—not perfection—a healthy, rightsized, daily effort and appreciation of my life in recovery.
Any Step with a One in it - no waiting, dig in anytime!
Emotional Sobriety is tied to what some call the maintenance steps, Steps 10 about admitting when I am wrong, and anytime spot inventories, Step 11 with daily mindfulness and/or meditation practice, Step 12 with being of service to others and practicing my values in day-to-day activities. I heard in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, “You can work any Step that starts with a One, no waiting, you do not need a sponsor, a book, you can put the ‘ones’ into practice right now or any time, in any place.” Admitting we have a problem (with substances or processes addiction), in Step One or any of the 10, 11, 12 ideas are free, accessible, and proven strategies for thriving in life.
Martha Cleveland and Arlys G, in The Alternative 12 Steps, originally published in 1991, write the following:
| "There are many, many times we make mistakes and fall back into old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. This is to be expected. … Step 10 is a practical approach to self-examination, and it’s a gentle one as well. Our self-correction has to be loving and firm. We mustn’t attack ourselves with the weapons of self-blame and reproach. We monitor and correct ourselves for our own good, kindly, with great care, the same way would correct a child we love.”[i] |
Great care and love was not what I was doing when I was shitting all over myself for being inadequate, imperfect. The idea that I should or can figure out the game of life alone is also erroneous. Sometimes someone who loves us can gently remind us that it isn’t our job to have all the answers and be flawless. Our job, sober-minded, is to show up and do the best we can. “Oh,” they would also say, “and try not to be such a dick!” When I am taking myself too seriously, humour can break through, also.
Time Well Wasted: You Deserve a Break Every Day
In an article called, “The case for unproductivity: Why you aren’t meant to be ‘on’ all the time” L’Oreal Thopson Payton wrote in February 2023 out how this perfectionism myth is systemic; in cases we let our environment do it to us:
| “There is an immense amount of pressure in our culture to perform and produce at all hours of the day. We’re encouraged to squeeze every ounce of productivity out of the workday and then turn around and do the same in our personal lives. No wonder we’re a society of stressed-out, burned-out, and otherwise unwell individuals. … Welcome, folks, to the world of toxic productivity—an incessant need to always be productive, often at the expense of your mental, physical, and emotional health. I’m of the belief that productivity on its own isn’t inherently damaging, rather it’s the glorification of productivity above all else that is problematic. If you’re constantly doing—attending meetings; churning out stories; traveling for work—you leave yourself little to no downtime to pause, reflect and rest.”[ii] |
Time well wasted is part of mental and physical health; we need to rejuvenate, slow down, not always fall prey to the demands of life. And I have to remember anything worth doing is worth doing badly. That’s how I learn new songs, sports, being in a relationship, and emotional sobriety skills.
On my most recent visit to the Emotional Sobriety Podcast, we read and reflect on AA Grapevine articles from readers who tell us about their emotional sobriety journeys. This show exemplifies my kind friend’s wise counsel, “Our job is to just show up and do the best we can” in real time. The hosts, including me, are not in perfect shape physically or emotionally, the story we read is being written in real time by someone who is freaking out about money and problems and stress and shows how they use their recovery skills to reel their doubt and fear and sagging self-image in. They even draw on the immunizing benefit that working with or thinking about a fellow sufferer can have on dispelling emotional ill-health.
I just showed up for this Emotional Sobriety Podcast show; I came with curiosity and positive regard, and I left my tendencies towards unrealistic expectations outside the Zoom room that we record in. Everyone did their best—which was enough—and it had a comforting, healing, rejuvenating impact on me. Maybe it will for you, too.
This is why my target is “enough” not “perfect.” Everyone was enough to make a great show. I am enough without changing one damn thing. Two things: a) I can’t always channel the truth of my adequacy when I am in turmoil and b) I am enough and if I want to change I can, and if I try to change, I will do enough each day.
Fear of People and of Economic Insecurity will Leave Us (AA., p. 84)
Check out Emotional Sobriety Podcast and let us know what you think: CLICK this LINK for the PODCAST
[i] Martha Cleveland PhD, Arlys G., The Alternative 12 steps: A Secular Guide to Recovery, AA Agnostica: Hamilton (2014). https://amzn.to/3SXCDJ6